My Dreams Are Me, My Dreams Are Me

I'm a bad friend and a bad girlfriend. 

ughhh i can't please anyone. Not even myself. 

damn people being so sweet. 

damn people for not understanding. 

damn this whole situation. 

How come everytime someone likes me or asks me out i realize that i don't want a boyfriend anymore? I guess i'm just waiting for someone specail. Someone who'll like my nerdy self, who will get along with my friends, someone older than me and taller than me, someone i can feel l comfortable around. But you know what? Its high school, and high school is full of akward relationships, some are happy, but must are just plain stupid. Haha by next week i'll be wanting a boyfriend again and complaining about all my friends beautiful relationships that i wish i had. But at the moment i will just enjoy myself flirting with many guys and maybe hooking up with a couple of them. Haha i'm a slow learner and didn't have good relationships in Middle school, i had no hooks and stupid relationships. So maybe i'm just at the hooking up stage with boys right now and maybe sooner or later i'll want to slow down and have a long sweet relationship. 
The worst part is...i could have had a great relationship with someone like the one i said ^ there...._{Joe Rando}....yeah well sue me.

"Some things can be lost but now i found a new way, a new way down...." 

Haha wait one more thing...Soccer boys are amazing....

Question....If i use some of the same case studies from my paper in my powerpoint will that look bad. BUT the thing is, is that i am talking about something completly different in my powerpoint than in my paper so i would be talking about something completly different from what my paper is talking about than what my powerpoint is. My paper just has super good examples for my powerpoint. 

- - - - - - -> PLEASE HELP!

So this vacation. Yeah uhh not the most fun. I feel very out of the loop between many people. And i'm noticing more and more the distance between me and Lina, and me and Tori. I guess i just feel that i don't have any close friends anymore. I don't feel included. But i guess i just don't put myself out there to be look like i want to be included. I don't think i'm a fun person to be around with. I think thats why people don't want to be around me. No i'm being dead serious when i say this too. I'm stuck at home doing nothing but finishing a book that i am enjoying. But i feel like i am the typical labschooler now with no outsider friends. I don't want that. Its just in getting stuck in my head that friends that i was once sooo close with have drifted apart. And have forgotten about me. I don't want to be this girl who is hung up with labschool stuff. I don't want that at all. Because even though there are aparently no more cliques i don't want to be known as a loser who people can pick on because i'm in labschool. I'm hungry for friendship  because i feel like i'm losing so many. Which leads into group where i can't tell anyone how i feel like if i get upset with them or if they hurt me in some way. This happens on a day to day basis and i tend to just shake it off but then suddenly it gets to a point where i boil over and i get so hurt by some of these comments or get mad by some actions of others that i just need to espress myself in some sort. I'm sick of being a push over and having people walk all over me. So for now i'm still walking in a trance. This hunger grows and i bite down what little pride i have which is hardly anything and i'll just let people walk over me until my hunger is ceased. And my mouth shall be closed for as long as nessceary so that people can see that i'm not annoying but just bored with myself. 

- - - - - - - -> Friends are apparently scarce in high school.

"Now first of all I want to let you know that
I've been known for some minor
moodswings now and then
It all started back when people were doing me wrong
And because of my position I would hold my tongue for them
Bad relationships and people I thought were friends
And people judging me before they get to know a thing
When you decide to step to me
It shows me so clearly
You just want to see, see the other side of me

And you don't know what I'm going through
And you might think it's all about you
But it's everything I've been hoping that
It's just bad timing to come at me like that"
__Charlotte Church

This week would actually kickass if not for all the work i have to do. Dance+track+homework+late homework+10week+powerpoint========HELL I actually hate how i always do this to myself. Save stuff to the last moment. Right now i'm just taking a break from reading articles for my powerpoint. I"m suffering and its not fun. I want to have fun, i want to be able to hold onto a boyfriend, and most of all i want to stop fighting with my family. All my needs and wants are so little...but with stress added on its just feels like a hell of a lot of needs and wants. I want to go camping, i want to have a fun sleep over. I want summer...
I'm a summer baby what can i say. I love picking weeds in my garden and i love picking flowers and ruhbarb. I can't wait for this summer. I want my pool to be open like now. Next week is gonna be extremly dull until the end of the week. So i guess i'll get everything done in the beginning so that when my friends get home i can hang out with them w/o that stress. 
Do yourself a favor and just don't bother me with little things this week because i'm already feeling like the mad hatter. AKA absolutly insane. I have my own problems to deal with at the moment. Please don't take this as bitchy... but i just do. Next week/confirmation/summer could not come sooner. I want Sliver bay to come around. I want to be anywhere but this week. This week is just to hellish to bear. I have them everytime i have a deadline. Its noooooo FUN! 

- - - - - >Summertime and the livin' is easy
Fish are jumpin' and the cotton is high
Oh your Daddy's rich and your ma is good lookin'
So hush little baby, don't you cry
One of these mornings
You're goin' to rise up singing
Then you'll spread your wings
And you'll take to the sky
But till that morning
There's a nothin' can harm you
With daddy and mammy standin' by

Who ever hacked into my journal your really fucked up. I can't believe you would do this to me and jerad. We were actually gonna get back together. But now it doesn't look like it. Thanks for screwing up everything you fucker. i hate you i hate you i hate you. I hope you rot in effing hell you fucker 

How can i commit to a relatioship when i can't even commit time for myself...my social life...work....dance....track....everything. I'm tired. Both mentally and physically. I let King down. She blew up at me. She told me she was fed up with me and she was closer than ever before in her life to giving up on someone/something. I can't keep things up with Jerad. I miss all my friends deeply. And i feel like like i'm dying from in the inside out. Slowly my body is giving way to the situiations in. I have no one to blame but my lazy self. I'm not a bad kid. I don't do drugs, i don't even really drink. Why is God punishing me? Why can't he help clear my head and see my artistic block. I've been trying to find myself thourgh my church. Its not going well. 

- - - - -> i don't know who i am anymore...just call me Marge

♥

I hate Mrs. King. 


- - - -> i'll tell you when i'm ready

Yay Kat!

So yeah i just got back from Joes party. Yup as you can guess i'm so depressed. I really do like him. I don't know what to do. I totally fucked things over between us. He just wanted to hang out with me tonight, and for some reason i was embarsse to be with him infront of my friends like that. I don't know why either. He is like the perfect guy for me and i just don't understand why i told him that or why i didn't go to that movie night at his house last saturday. I was just really depressed and like school was just being a bitch and i just couldn't take it. So i broke it off with him in my anger and i'm totally regretting that. I turned away from him a lot tonight and i could tell that he was looking at me. He wanted me to dance with him. But i can't dance. So i told him no. I regret doing that. I regret many things. I am so miserable. Joe is hott. Sweet. And he respects me. So why did i break it off with him? Because i was stressed out with life and i wanted Rich and not Joe. I wish i could go back to last week and i wish i went to that movie night at his house. I met his mom tonight. Shes adorable. She came up to me and is like OHHH THIS IS CLARA!! and i'm like shitt she doesn't know =/. I want Joe back and i don't want to end things like this. That was shitty of me to do that. I know i'm repeating alot of this but i can't help it. I just keep thinking to myself. Why WHy WHY?!!! If Joe asked me out i would say yes. If me and him were to get back together i would do many things differently. Like call him for instance. I just wish i could get my grades back up. This is probably my main reason for breaking up with him. I couldn't handle the stress of school and scheduling stupid appointments to see him. I really do like Joe sooo sooo much. And right now....I HATE MYSELF. So i think next time anyone sees me should just glare at me and walk away because that is totally what i deserve right now. Another thing....Ray told me that he probably won't want me back. I completly understand that. I wouldn't want me back either. I think i could fall deeply inlove with him. No joke either. ::sighs::

 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - >>>I HATE ME!!<<< - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"I can't take my mind off you (Joe) ..." -Damien Rice